You guys know my story by now. I had a lot holding me back in high school, internally and externally. I keep thinking of a story I read somewhere about baby elephants being trained for the circus: they have a strong rope tied around their necks, and when they realize they aren’t strong enough to break it, they stop trying. Then even when they’re grown, all it takes is a loose rope around their neck to control them, because they still think they can’t break free. As my yearning to go back to school grew stronger, I started to wonder if I was like those baby elephants. I’d been held back for so long, I didn’t know what I was really capable of. If I cut the rope, what could I really do?

Turns out, I think it’s a lot more than a 2.27. My English class has been working on an essay that we just got back recently, and I wanted to cry when I saw my grade: 100. “Lovely work here, Jennifer,” my professor’s note read. For the past week, I’d been hoping for a passing grade at best; I definitely didn’t think I was worthy of a perfect score. Later on, we had our midterm in my Fashion class, and for the second time that day, I saw a perfect score when we got our tests back. It’s only midterm, but I have high hopes for myself through the semester.

Last week, another professor warned, “Some of you are not doing well in this class.” Out of instinct and habit, I looked down at my desk in shame. It took me a minute to realize that for once, such a statement was not directed at me. I’m not struggling to keep up like I used to. For once, I actually feel like I’m on top of things, and that notion is incredibly empowering. I’ve got this.

I’m not saying all this to brag. I don’t want to strut around like a peacock, waving my scores around, saying, “Look how smart I am!” On the contrary: I’ve never thought I was all that intelligent or capable. I spent years thinking I was dumb, that I couldn’t accomplish anything, and my grades in high school reflected that. I trained myself to think I was a nuisance, to apologize for my existence (I should have an “I’m sorry” jar: put a dollar in every time I apologize for something I didn’t do), and to just generally be ashamed of myself. I’m only now realizing that when left to my own devices, without anything holding me back, I can actually accomplish something. I am more than what I used to believe

I am so in love with college life right now. It feel so good to be in a learning environment again, without all the bs of high school. Everything feels so much more alive; it feels like an actual learning environment, where my peers are excited to talk about their goals, rather than just teenagers grumbling “two more years, and we’re out of this hell…” It’s like the campus is its own little community. My first couple weeks, I was content to just sit outside between classes and watch people go by. It’s really fascinating to see the diversity; girls wearing Hijab walk past students speaking in sign, followed by a punk in leather and patches skateboarding past the “no skateboards on campus” notice. There’s people of all different types, and it feels so good to see an environment where people are allowed, even encouraged, to discover and be who they are.

I want to backtrack a little bit, and go on a brief tangent about the weeks before I started school. I needed to buy all new supplies; it’s been 7 years since I was in school after all, and I had nothing leftover from back then. Shopping for my backpack was first: I scoured the internet for days, looking for something that spoke to me. Then I found a beautiful, black and red Castlevania backpack from Gamestop. I wanted it so badly, and the minute I saw it, I could imagine happily trotting to class every day proudly displaying my fandom. Still, I hesitated.

When I was in middle school, I had a High School Musical backpack that I loved more than anything in the world. I used it for about two days, before my classmates mocked me so badly for it that I never wanted to see it again. That shame followed me the rest of my school career; I wanted pretty school things, but I didn’t want to risk bringing more ridicule upon myself. From then until senior year, I carried either a plain bag or a large purse.

I wanted that Castlevania backpack so badly, though. Anxious, I pulled up my friends’ group chat. “Guys?” I asked, briefly explaining my dilemma. “Do people in college make fun of backpacks?” Somewhere in the back of my mind, middle-school me was still there, telling me I’d be shunned for showing personality.

The response I got from my friends was a unanimous “GET THE BACKPACK!” That in itself really kickstarted my excitement for the beginning of the semester. I felt like my cat after I fed her a piece of jerky and she decided it was the greatest thing in the world; all at once, I realized that I could have whatever I wanted for school. I got myself fruit scented highlighters, metallic gel pens, a mini stapler with pink staples, and a white out container shaped like a mummy. I don’t think I’d been that excited since I bought my car.

The biggest revelation, which was met with a bit of confusion from my group: mechanical pencils. At 24 years old, I tried not to tear up and bought my first set of mechanical pencils (which were arbitrarily forbidden during my childhood). As I gleefully trotted through the back to school section at Target, arms full of binders and notebooks, I remember passing by a couple moms groaning about how it’s “that time of the year again.” For me, however, school shopping wasn’t a dreaded chore or mundane cycle; it was an exciting adventure, one that I could finally embark on in my own style. At last, I was the one who could call the shots.

A big part of what has made going back to school special for me is the people around me. I’m fortunate to have one of my best friends to guide me; I would truly be lost without her by my side, and I’m grateful for her every day. In addition, I’ve been welcomed by so many new people that I feel overwhelmed. A friend from one of my classes made cake pops and brought them to school the week of my birthday; it took all my willpower not to sob until after I got home. I made friends with the tabletop gaming club largely by chance, and found that college friendships are started exactly like kindergarten: through the comparison of cool stickers and an exchange of Teddy grahams and Oreos. Even after spending fourteen hours straight on campus (no, I’m not exaggerating), I feel satisfied walking to my car with my “parking lot squad” after my evening class. I haven’t known most of these people for longer than a few weeks, but I am so thankful they’re in my life now. In a way, I feel that my college friends are becoming like another fandom family (Can college be considered a fandom?).

In case you missed the title, a large part of this article is about how my college experience has already moved me to tears on more than one occasion. I’ve cried a lot in my life, and the last 6 years especially. All those times, I cried out of grief and frustration. I broke down because I didn’t know what else to do, and I felt everything crumbling around me. I shed tears of sadness, tears in anger, and tears of hurt. At times, it seemed that there would be know end to the relentless waves of pain. I’m still crying. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t shed a few tears as I wrote this. But now, it’s for a much different reason: these are tears of gratitude. I’m grateful for the support of those who helped me get to where I am. I’m moved by the compassion shown to me by those I’ve just met. Above all, I’m thankful every day for the opportunities presented to me, and I’m determined not to take any of it for granted. I know how much it took for me to get here, and being in school again has filled my life with purpose. I’m taking baby steps toward my goal, and though I’ve got a long way to go, I won’t stop showing my gratitude for every step I’m able to take. I love what I’m doing. After everything that’s happened, I’m truly happy.

The post Tears of Gratitude appeared first on Jennifer Lidikay.

Tauriel is from the second and third Hobbit movies, and I got very excited when I saw her in the trailers. So excited, in fact, that I made this costume before the movie came out and wore it to the theaters to go watch it with my friends. So my only references were the promo shots and blurry screenshots of the trailers. I was just so hyped about her; red-headed elf that looks TOTALLY badass (and the fact that I had a huge Legolas obsession absolutely had nothing to do with it >_> ), sign me up!

The Costume

As I said above, I made this costume before the movie came out. I didn’t have a lot of great reference pictures, and there weren’t any commercial patterns to help me out at all, so I had to really just guess how it was put together. This was my first experience patterning something out completely by myself; on things like Maria Theresa, I took pieces from different patterns, altered things, and patterned out bits here and there on my own, but I hadn’t attempted to pattern out a full costume before. It’s far from perfect, and I know now what areas I could improve on, but at the time, it was all new territory for me.

My costume is put together in three layers: on the bottom, a pair of purchased leggings and a tank top. The second layer is the main piece, which I made sort of a tunic/dress piece with long sleeves and a few pieces dangling down like a skirt, I’m not sure what you’d call it, and a zipper down the front. I should have made the bodice of that a bit longer; I cut it off exactly at my waist and attached the bottom pieces to that, which I quickly learned left bits of midriff exposed at the sides (hence the tank underneath). The top layer is a sleeveless vest with a hood, and laced up the front to hide the middle layer’s zipper. My friend and I also guessed our way through making some simple leather bracers; they’re not fancy by any means, but we were quite proud of ourselves.

Another first for this costume: no shiny fabric! I wasn’t quite out of my satin-obsessed phase, but I had the sense to not cover a fighter like Tauriel in shiny stuff. Her fabric all came from the fashion district in LA, and is primarily sturdy canvas-type material. I did have a minor problem in that my arms had rather restricted movement, so in hindsight I would probably choose a fabric that has more give to it if I ever redo the piece.

After the misadventures of doing Mystique, I learned to use liquid latex in a more reasonable capacity: blending the edges of small prosthetics. I looked up some tutorials on how to do elf ears, and with a little practice I got the hang of it. My first couple pairs of ears were some cheap Halloween store things, but for the longest time I had my eye on getting some from a company called Aradani. I did eventually get some, albeit for Spock instead of Tauriel; they are amazing, and definitely what I would recommend to anyone looking at getting ears.

Like with Mystique, I used my real hair for Tauriel; while it never got to the knee-length locks seen in the movies, I figured I would use what I already have instead of spending money on a wig in my natural color.

I didn’t have much in the way of props and other accessories; I always wanted to make a bow or some daggers for her, but I just never had the time to get around to it. I also wanted to make a leather bodice like shown in the films, but at the time I was afraid of delving too much into leatherwork. Historically speaking, I’ve been hesitant to dive into expensive materials such as leather or Worbla (thermoplastic) if I’m not confident in my ability to do so correctly. I’m a lot braver now than I was at the time, so perhaps in the future I can branching out with my crafting.

The Experience

First off, I had a lot of fun as Tauriel. I loved being an elf prancing around the woods! However, one thing became abundantly clear the first time I watched Desolation of Smaug in the theatres: Everything I thought about how the costume actually went together was COMPLETELY wrong. I was still proud though, because hey, I didn’t have a lot to go on in the first place. Other than being inaccurate, it looked pretty darn good.

Tauriel made it around the con circuit a few times over the next few years. I think the first convention I wore her was ALA 2014 or so, and later with my friend as Thorin. However, she didn’t get a lot of recognition, which made me VERY sad. I recall one AX where I was talking to this amazing looking Thranduil cosplayer, and someone came up while we were chatting and went “Omg Thranduil! I love the Hobbit! You’re the only cosplay from it I’ve seen at all!” And I just kinda… stood there… yeah… A part of me wanted to speak up and say “hey, I’m from the same movie!” but that would have been rude, so I just kept my mouth shut.

A lot of people also mistook me for Link from Legend of Zelda, so that was just extremely confusing. It just kinda left me wondering… How? Why do you think that? Not every elf is Legend of Zelda! But even with people who didn’t recognize me, I got a lot of “I don’t know who you are, but you look cool!” which is always nice to hear.

Honestly, the most fun I had as Tauriel was just hanging out with my friends. Even if our cosplays didn’t match, it was a lot of fun roleplaying as we waited in line for panels. It’s honestly really interesting to sit and go “Well, these characters don’t know each other… But what if they did?” And now, one of our favorite things while cosplaying is figuring out our characters’ dynamics, even across different fandoms. If anyone is curious, I’m talking Tauriel meets Grantaire from Les Miserables; what a crossover, right?

The Future

So I haven’t cosplayed Tauriel in a while. I mean a LONG while. I don’t have any plans to bring her back any time soon, but honestly, the minute anyone comes to me saying they’re putting together a Hobbit group, you can bet I’ll be down! Although bringing her back would depend on two things: one, I don’t have the long hair I spent several years growing out for her anymore (and plan to keep it short for the time being), so I would need to invest in a wig. And two, if I want to do her again, it’s redesign time. I’ve wanted to redo her outfit since I first saw it in the movie, and now that I have more knowledge and skill, I think I could really put a lot more into it than I had back then. That’s not to say I’m not proud of the costume I made, though; it was the best I could do with my skills at the time. I would just love the opportunity to do it again, to really see how far I’ve come in the past few years.

Meanwhile, like with all my cosplays, I’m determined to get as much use out of Tauriel’s outfit as I can. I’m still using the individual pieces here and there for things like outfits for the Renaissance Faire. So who knows, maybe look at some of my other cosplays, and you might just see a piece of Tauriel’s legacy.

The post Cosplay Highlights: Tauriel appeared first on Jennifer Lidikay.

If you would like to keep up with my content even when I’m a forgetful potato (which is a lot, let’s be honest), please consider becoming a subscriber! There are free and paid options, and any kind of support from you guys means the world to me. And if you’re already a subscriber, a big THANK YOU to you!! Now without further ado, on to today’s topic!

Riding on the excitement from Anime Expo this weekend, I kind of wanted to talk a little bit about the fandom experience. I’ve touched on the subject a little bit before in a general sense (see: Why I Cosplay), but I think it’s important to share the feeling of having what I call a “fandom family”.

If you’re not in the cosplay scene, and/or are otherwise unfamiliar with the term, a fandom is a group of people (aka nerds) who are all interested in the same thing. Game of Thrones fans, Star Trek fans, etc. are all fandoms. These can be huge fanbases like the aforementioned, or all the way down to the most obscure, niche thing you just happened to find on the internet and show your friend. If you’re part of a group that likes a thing, congratulations: you’ve joined a fandom.

I’m in a lot of different fandoms, and each of them have their own unique vibe from the people in it. It was a bit of a culture shock going to a comic book convention after having exclusively attended anime cons for a couple years; the energy in the hall was completely different. Some fandoms are loud and boisterous, others more laid back. Every fandom basically has its own dynamic and culture, and not all are created equal.

Fandom families are what I call it when you join a fandom and it just… Clicks. You really start to feel like not just a group of people that like a thing, but people who have bonded and developed friendships. Your fandom family are the people you miss after the con ends, the ones who develop nicknames and inside jokes, who burn cupcakes in your oven and who your cat probably loves more than she loves you.

My first fandom family was the Hetalia fandom. I’ve known some of my Hetalia friends for almost 10 years now; they only knew me as Hungary when we first met, but a lot of us have gotten to be super close personal friends. The other day, I saw a post I made on Facebook just after I met my cosplay husband eight years ago (love you honey <3 ). I had no idea back in 2011 that all the people I’d met then would end up becoming so incredibly important to me. In cosplay or out, these are people who have become a regular fixture in my life. Even when I started branching out and cosplaying other fandoms, I always found myself migrating back to the Hetalians’ domain at the end of the day; years later, going to a Hetalia gathering still feels like coming home.

As I said, not all fandoms are created equal. I’ve made friends and had good times with all the fandoms that I’ve been in, but most are not what I would consider a fandom family for me. That’s not to say I disliked any of them, on the contrary; I love each and every one of my fandoms, and have represented all of them with pride. It’s just that I didn’t feel whatever it was that kept drawing me home to Hetalia, and for the longest time I assumed it was the nostalgia for my first fandom. There was just something special that made it stand out, and I couldn’t even figure out what it was.

As I sat at another fandom’s gathering recently, I took a second to look around. There were perhaps a couple faces I recognized from here and there, but the only person I really knew was the friend I had come with. When I joined that particular fandom, I remember more of my Hetalia friends had been into it, but they had long since migrated to other things. I came to realize that while I liked the fandom and the media it was based on, it lacked the connection I had felt with my Hetalia friends. I had fun, but it wasn’t a fandom family.

Now, who wants to take a wild guess as to what my newest fandom family is? Drum roll, please……………….

If you guessed Castlevania, you are 100% correct. Gold stars all around ! I was honestly a bit intimidated stepping into the Castlevania fandom. Everywhere else I’d been, I had either my main circle with me or overlap from the Hetalians. I was the first of my friends to stumble across this franchise, and didn’t know what to expect from the fanbase. As I fell in love with Alucard and began work on his cosplay, I prayed that the fandom would be kind; I didn’t want to be called a “fake fan” for not having played the games (gatekeeping is bullshit by the way, let people enjoy things), and I was afraid of the fandom being super elitist or something.

Boy, was I worried for nothing. I’ve only been cosplaying Alucard for a year now, and already I can feel the unmistakable pull of another fandom family. These are my people, no doubt about it. From the minute I stepped out in Alucard’s costume, I’ve received nothing but love from all the new friends I’ve made here. Castlevania came to me during a really hard time (not going into the story again, as you’ve all probably heard it by now), and I was honestly stunned when I had people who had only just met me say “hey, I’m here if you need someone.” I’m fortunate to have a huge circle of support from family and friends around me, and it makes me so happy to see that circle ever growing.

And that’s what fandom family means to me; we’re not just a collection of geeks who like the same nerdy thing. A fandom family are the ones who stand apart from the crowd trying to force their way through the artist alley. They’re the ones who cry with you when the escalator eats your costume, the people almost as excited about hosting your first gathering as you are, and whose arms you run into yelling “MOMMYYYYY!!” the minute you see them.

If you’ve never had a fandom family, you are missing out. It’s really hard to describe accurately the love I have for these people. It’s a bond that goes deeper than simply “hey, we like x thing!” It’s knowing that even if you’re dressed like dorks and crammed like sardines into a convention hall, these people care. They’re with you through the highs and lows, and they make your life and your fandom experience richer. It may be a different fandom for everybody, but once you find it, you’ll know. And if you’ve found a fandom family, hang on to them; I know I will.

Also just a note: this isn’t a comprehensive list of everyone in my fandom family! For some reason I don’t have pictures of everyone.

The post On Fandom Families appeared first on Jennifer Lidikay.

Looking back on it, I know it’s a little silly, but I was absolutely fascinated. I thought Art was the coolest person ever, and you know why? Because his name was ART. Art was my favorite subject in school, and that was his name! How awesome was that?!? I remember finding him a few times that day, and he cheerfully gave me stickers and hugs and signed my little book.

Fast forward to me at 24, working at my day job. You might remember I wrote an article earlier about my difficulties recognizing people (See: Hi, Have We Met?), and unfortunately, my day job involves seeing a lot of people all day, every day, and every one of them expects me to recognize them on sight. So one day, I had this man come in with a little girl, who tilted her head, looked at me and asked “Hi, do you remember me?”

My heart just about stopped. I racked my brain, trying to think of where I would have seen this girl before. A con? A volunteer event? Please, don’t tell me she recognizes me from the city’s Santa Float where I pretend to be Santa’s elf; I didn’t want to have to explain why my ears suddenly weren’t pointy anymore. Either way, I had to tell her I didn’t remember her, and she looked absolutely heartbroken. She turned to her dad and said “But we’ve been here lots, and I remember her! Why doesn’t she remember me?”

Her dad convinced her that I just didn’t remember her because she hadn’t introduced herself to me. So she did, and I committed it to memory. That’s the thing with me; I do learn, it just takes me a while. But I found that a huge motivator is DO NOT UPSET THE CHILD. The next time she came by, she smiled and waved, and I called her by name. I was determined to remember her from then on.

Then I got to thinking. I remembered the trip to Disneyland, and my friend Art the janitor. And I came to realize that to this little girl, I was the coolest person ever. That makes me feel pretty darn special. I wonder sometimes if that’s how Art felt all those years ago, with five-year-old me asking for his autograph next to Snow White.

My day job is not glamorous. It’s not a job that a lot of people look up to; I work long hours on my feet while I get yelled at, hit on, and even have things thrown at me (true story). It’s the kind of job that you start to see a really horrible side to people. But if there’s one thing that makes it worth it, it’s knowing that there’s a little girl out there who will always have a smile for me, and gets excited to see me because I’m her favorite person.

I can’t help but to feel like things really do come full circle. I used to look back and think I was such a cringey kid, having a fascination with a janitor at Disneyland, but now, I hope that I brought a little bit of light into what was probably not the greatest job for him. I hope he felt as special as I do every time that little girl comes by and waves at me.

The post Little Ones and Little Things appeared first on Jennifer Lidikay.

I was on Instagram a while back and I got a message. It was a guy who had obviously been going through my posts, and liked what he saw. He asked a bit about my cosplay work, but we were talking for no more than ten minutes when he asked the dreaded question.

“So are you with anyone? Like dating?”

Gentlemen, please… Don’t do this. Keep in mind, this is some random guy from the internet. I had never met him before, and I probably never will. All he knows about me is that I cosplay and he thinks I’m pretty. Now, being a woman on the internet, this doesn’t phase me. This was tame compared to some of the offers I’ve gotten over the years, believe me. But still, to ask about my relationship status when you’ve barely said two sentences to me in your life… Come on.

So I tried to steer the conversation away from the topic, saying that’s a bit of a personal question. What he responded with is what really got under my skin:

“I want to get to know you but obv don’t want to if your seeing someone”

Now, let’s think about that sentence a moment… “I want to get to know you” fine, I’m an open book, I love sharing my interests and getting to know new people. Nevermind the fact that you have a private profile, I don’t know your name, and from your profile pic, evidently you’re a sentient pile of sneakers that can type. And then we get to the second part, “obv don’t want to if your seeing someone”… So… You don’t actually want to get to know me. You’re only messaging me because you want to get WITH me. Therein lies the difference. What that really tells me is that you don’t actually want to “get to know” me, and the only value you see in talking to me is if I’m a dating prospect.

I didn’t get mad. To be honest, I just think it’s funny how self-contradictory that sentence is. I took the opportunity to remind him that I’m asexual (evidently he missed that memo), and that I’m not interested in dating strangers from the internet. Now, I don’t mean to say that my orientation makes me inherently undateable. It doesn’t. But it does mean that if all you’re interested in is getting me in bed, you picked absolutely the wrong target.

I get it. Really, I do. It’s so easy to objectify people online, to forget that there’s another human being on the other side of the screen. To a lot of you, I’m nothing more than a few pictures and a paragraph or two in your browser window. You can put down your phone, walk away from your computer, and I cease to exist to you. But I’m here to remind you that I’m a living, breathing person, same as you. I have a family and friends, I have likes and dislikes, I laugh, I cry, and I have a whole personality that you probably don’t even see.

I’m not here to discourage anyone from talking to me. On the contrary, please do. The entire point of this website, the reason I use Instagram, all my social media is so I can interact with people. I want to talk, I want to share my feelings and my opinions. But if the sole reason you approach me is part of some ploy to get me into bed, I urge you to think again. Please don’t objectify me, and try to remember that I’m more than just my picture.

The post More Than Just My Picture appeared first on Jennifer Lidikay.

The Costume

Okay, so one might think that there isn’t much “costume” to Mystique. My dad and I, however, beg to differ. Neither of us really had any idea how to pull this off when we started, so the first step was research. LOTS of it. I looked up bodypaint tutorials, how to make silicone prosthetics, the whole nine yards. There was a lot of experimentation involved, and like I said, we still haven’t gotten it quite right.

We started by figuring out what exactly we needed to make. I didn’t want to be completely exposed, both for legality and for the con creep factor. The trick was making something that LOOKED like skin, but still covered the important bits. I went through various designs for making something akin to a bathing suit bottom, and we went for doing molded silicone prosthetics for the top. And yes, that means we have a mold casting of my chest sitting on the shelf in the garage. Imagine having to explain THAT every time someone new comes over for a game of D&D.

Since I don’t have a lot of money, a lot of what we were using was… Well, let’s just say we were finding creative uses for things that were definitely not designed for costuming. The prosthetics were made from silicone caulking reinforced with medical gauze; I wanted to be able to reuse the pieces to cut down on costs, so we had to prevent them from tearing during application and removal. They’re a bit heavy though, so we have to rethink our strategy. We found that it was too thick to allow enough air to dry the adhesive… That made for a rather exciting almost-wardrobe-malfunction during an outing. How many people can say they almost flashed Hollywood Boulevard?

Speaking of adhesives, that was another part we’ve had to experiment with. We tried liquid latex at first, then spirit gum, and I think our latest experiment was an actual adhesive prosthetic. I believe it’s either Ben Nye or Mehron, but I’d have to dig it up again to be sure. I’ve since used spirit gum and liquid latex in tandem while applying smaller things like my ears for my elf characters and Spock, but I found that neither really had the strength to hold something as large as the chest prosthetics. The last adhesive seemed to hold well enough when it was dry, but again, we had trouble getting it to dry completely. We didn’t discover this until, as I said we were in the middle of Hollywood Boulevard, and I felt something wet run down my stomach. And you know how in the movies, someone will put a hand to their abdomen, then pull it back and see they’re bleeding? Yeah it was just like that, but with my adhesive running through blue paint. I sure as heck made a beeline for the car when I saw that.

Then there’s the paint. We have been through so many different kinds of paint, it’s not even funny. My dad has used acrylic paints before for different bodypaint projects for photos, so that was our first go-to. While it was fine for the short time span (and smaller coverage area) required for the other projects, we found very quickly that it cracks and peels A LOT. I’ve known enough Homestuck cosplayers to know that things like greasepaint get everywhere, and neither of us fancied the thought of spending 10 hours sponging the cake-type paints on everywhere, so those were no-go. And then I read somewhere, someone said if you mix acrylic paint with liquid latex, it makes for a decent body paint. DON’T DO IT. IF THERE IS ANYTHING I REGRET MOST OF ALL FROM COSPLAYING, IT IS THE HORRIBLE, DUMBASS, GODAWFUL DECISION TO COVER MYSELF IN THIS STUFF. I will elaborate more in the next section, as it’s kind of a long story that belongs more under The Experience.

After that failure, I did some more research and saw a lot of people referencing alcohol-based body paints. I have yet to find one that is in a relatively cheap price range, so I’ll have to save up some money for the higher quality materials. I did pick up one that I thought would work, Ben Nye MagicColor, but I think that one is actually water-based, as it separated when we tried to dilute it with alcohol.

In addition to a base coat of blue, we also had a variety of different paints to try and create textures. Mystique kind of has this scale-like pattern all over, so we tried to replicate that. We had a couple paints from Liquitex that were mixed with glass beads and/or sand that looked pretty nice, but they were a little on the pricey side and took a while to dry. Last time I checked, I couldn’t find it on the shelves anymore either. Then we also used puffy fabric paint to kind of draw little dotted lines here and there for a variance in texture and pattern; it sticks better to skin when you would think, and dried with just a couple minutes under a hair dryer!

Mystique was the first cosplay for which I used my real hair; when it’s short, I can just slick it back with some hair gel and it works. With all the other costs involved, I really didn’t want to spend money on a wig when I didn’t have to. I bought some small stuff: Blue eyeliner and mascara, and some contacts.

The Experience

I REPEAT DO NOT COVER YOURSELF IN LIQUID LATEX FROM HEAD TO TOE. DON’T DO IT IF YOU VALUE ANY OR ALL OF YOUR PARTS. I thought I was being smart. I did a little patch test on my elbow for a day or so, and everything seemed fine. I figured, “Great! This will work! Comikaze, here I come!” Got up at an ungodly hour, got my dad up at an ungodly hour, and spent the next five hours in the chilly October morning getting sprayed with latex. I had a friend who was on hair dryer duty, and responsible for powdering all the latex to make sure it didn’t stick; the first problem was that they were afraid to get too personal with me, and left some *ahem* PLACES unpowdered. So as soon as I’m done drying, I go to take one step and my legs stick together. Cue me hobbling into the other room after my friend, crying out “You had ONE JOB!!”.

We went to the con anyway, and I just thought “This will be fine, I’ll just be careful.” All day long, I was finding new and interesting places that my friend hadn’t powdered. And every time the latex stuck and peeled, it HURT LIKE HELL. Think like getting a full-body wax, all day. My plan had been to be Mystique the entire weekend, but by the end of day one, I was done. I wanted out of the blue hell I had put myself in.

Then came the next problem… Getting the damn stuff off. I used just about every soap in the house, right up to the industrial-strength gunk remover that mechanics use, rubbing alcohol, bug repellent (why we thought of using that is a different story), and everything worked a little bit. Just a little. I soaked, scrubbed, and picked at it until I thought clawing my skin off entirely would be easier. I think I was up until 3 am, and only got about half of it off. Then after about 2 hours of sleep, I got up early, and scrubbed and scrubbed some more, until I got enough off that I could cover it with my Hungary costume. I think it took a week before I got the last dregs of it off… It was absolutely miserable.

Awful material choices aside, the con was fairly fun; it was a bit different than the rowdy, energetic anime crowd, but we had a good time. Also, Stan Lee made eye contact with me, and I got to hold the crossbow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer!

I didn’t get recognized as much as I thought I would; a lot of people called me an Avatar -_- Then again, I haven’t been able to cosplay her very often, so I don’t really have a wide test sample. I’d love to meet some other X-Men cosplayers some time!

The Future

A major part of the obstacle for this cosplay, and why I haven’t done her much, is just the cost. With most costumes, once I buy the materials and make it, that’s it. I have it to use and reuse for as many events as I want. With Mystique on the other hand, all of her materials are consumables. Everything gets used up and has to be repurchased for every application. Every time I want to cosplay her, it’s more money from my pocket. And as someone on a very tight cosplay budget, that makes things very difficult.

That being said, I really want the opportunity to cosplay her more. I swear I’m going to get this bodypaint thing right if it’s the last thing I do. I just have to get my hands on the right materials, and you will see her at another con.

The post Cosplay Highlights: Mystique appeared first on Jennifer Lidikay.

Cosplay and congoing makes this a trillion times worse. I can’t recognize anyone’s faces to begin with, and now pair that with the fact that everybody looks different every time I see them, and half the people I meet in cosplay don’t even go by their real names. I even know some identical twins that I have a sneaking suspicion swap cosplays halfway through the day sometimes (Yes I’m looking at you, you know who you are. I love you, but telling you guys apart is hell) The thousands of faces I pass by in convention halls get jumbled up in my brain, and I can’t keep anything straight. People run up to me all the time, screaming, “JEN!!!! HEYYYYYY, HOW HAVE YOU BEEN????” And unless it’s someone I have regular contact with, everything starts to panic, going “Oh my god, quick, person. I should know this person. Where do I know this person from, I SHOULD KNOW THIS PERSON.”

I don’t mean to forget people’s names or faces. I swear it doesn’t stem from some “these peasants aren’t worthy of my attention” attitude; I don’t know why it happens, it just takes me a lot longer to be able to recognize people. I try not to even let on that I don’t remember someone when I’m talking to them because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but sometimes I slip up and say something stupid. Even people that know me pretty well, something in my brain goes “I don’t know this face! This is an entirely new person!” or “I know this face, but have no clue when or where I saw them before!”

So I guess this is just sort of a PSA. If I’m around you at an event, PLEASE don’t be offended if I act like I don’t recognize you. I’ve had a couple incidents recently where someone has come up to me with the aforementioned “Jen, hi!!!”, and twenty minutes after they walk away, THEN I remember who they were. And I’m not talking ‘met them once or twice’ people; I mean a cosplayer I’ve known since my DeviantArt days, and one of my long-term Instagram followers. Every time something like that happens, it’s like… Well, let’s see just HOW FAR I can shove my foot in my mouth.

If you approach me at a con or other event, please help me out. If I know you pretty well or we’re in regular contact, a simple “Hey Jen, it’s me, so-and-so! How have you been?” might suffice. If we’ve only met a couple times, or it’s been a while, I’m going to need something more specific. The more detail, the better. I once had someone come up to me at AX and say “I don’t cosplay, but I was here last year. I had this camera.” A guy in plain clothes… With a camera… At an anime convention, in a crowd of a hundred thousand people.I need wayyyyy more than that: what we talked about, something eventful that happened, something like that. “Hey, I was that *insert cosplay here* from ALA last year, I took your picture and we geeked out over D&D for half an hour, then you tripped down the stairs and spilled all the breadsticks you stole from Olive Garden on the floor!” (not a real thing that happened, just an example) If I still seem like I’m struggling… I’m sorry in advance, and beg your forgiveness. Something in my brain is probably telling me I’ve never seen you before, but I’ll look back on my instagram later and feel bad when I find the selfie we took together or something.

To make a long story not as long, I ask for your patience if I don’t recognize you. It’s not because I don’t like you, it’s just that it takes a while before my memory kicks in. I’ll get there eventually, I promise. And if it makes it any better, think of it this way: meeting you the first time was so awesome, I subconsciously wanted to do it again… And again… And again.

The post Hi, Have We Met? appeared first on Jennifer Lidikay.

Hetalia sparked a love of history in me; two episodes featured the War of Austrian Succession, and Austria’s leader at the time, Maria Theresa. Now, I’m not going to go into a history rant (because believe me, I won’t stop), but if you feel like taking the time to read up on her, you won’t be disappointed; she’s one of my favorite historical figures, because she is BADASS. Anyway, I’m here to talk about cosplay, so let’s get right to it!

The Costume

I did a lot of sewing for my friends between making Hungary and Maria Theresa (you can see some of them in the video from the first Cosplay Highlights), but this was my first really ambitious costume. I designed it myself, taking inspiration from not only her appearance in Hetalia, but from actual paintings of her. My favorite is one by Andreas Møller around the time she was 11, although I looked at quite a few portraits and took pieces from here and there.

Everything about this costume was an adventure, because I had no experience actually making period costumes before this. Still in the height of my shiny fabric obsession, I bought a light blue satin at the fashion district and used a gold lamé fabric that I think someone had given me at some point. The cape is made from a thin crushed velvet also from the fashion district.

The real eyecatching part of Maria’s costume is all the trim; there’s five different kinds in total. The beaded netting on the bottom of the skirt’s outer layer is the same fabric as the center of the bodice. I didn’t get enough of the white beaded trim on the under layer, but no one has ever noticed the gap in the back! On the other hand, I STILL have a ton of the gold an white lace that adorns the very bottom of the hem and the edges of the sleeves; it came in a huge bulk bag that I underestimated the quantity of. Another white lace is along the neckline of the cape. I think my favorite, however, is the gold bead trim that runs up the length of the skirt on the front. All of the trim was sewn on by hand, and I swear I thought I would never be done… I’ve never had a lot of patience, especially when it comes to hand sewing.

This costume was my first foray into patterning anything myself. While the majority of it was cobbled together from about 3 different commercial patterns, I did the cape and the first version of the bodice. I say first version, because I actually changed some things after my first time using the costume. Initially, I had it lace up the front, and I made a triangular piece (affectionately nicknamed the Dorito) to cover up the laces. I later scrapped the Dorito, instead favoring a back zipper because the front just looked too bulky the way I originally made it.

Everything is attached by snaps; I was intimidated by the fact that this was my first heavy cosplay, so it’s all separate pieces. The skirt snaps onto the bodice at the waistband, and the cape snaps on at the shoulders. That’s actually one reason for the roses I put on the front: it’s not only a nod to the Møller painting, but they hide the point where the cape attaches to the dress.

Maria’s accessories came from all over, a lot I bought online. Above all else, I wanted to make sure I had a fan: with how hot it gets at Anime Expo, I knew I was going to die. It may only provide marginal relief from the heat, but I wanted whatever I could get. Plus, it makes a nice prop for photos! Her shoes came from David’s Bridal, after a looong search trying to find ones I liked. They may not be period accurate, but they were reasonably priced, and I could get them dyed to match my dress for free. The crown I used for her was one I bought at the Renaissance Faire in middle school, and first used as Queen Elizabeth I during my school’s “History Day”. Again not period accurate, but it matched the floral details that I wanted to highlight.

Now, Her wig gets its own paragraph. It’s a generic wig that I bought online, but this wig is a trooper. Of all the times I’ve worn it, for multiple cosplays, I have never had to replace it. I’ve styled it up, down, and all over, and 6 years later there’s hardly any frizz or shedding at all. I find that generic wigs can be very hit or miss, but this one has stood up better than some name brand wigs I’ve owned. Of course, being so long ago I can’t find it again, but I have never been more impressed with a generic wig.

The Experience

Debuting Maria Theresa was overwhelming. I’m lucky I had one of my best friends with me, cosplaying Frederick the Great. (Anyone notice our matching trim?) For some reason, we have a habit of picking characters who hate each other or have some sort of rivalry going on… But that’s beside the point. We weren’t entirely prepared by how much attention we would get with big costumes; it took us HALF AN HOUR just to cross the convention center lobby, and while I am flattered by such attention, the end of the day had us finding any route we could to avoid the lobby, just to be able to get anywhere on time.

It. Was. HOT. I knew what I was getting into, but I just about melted, especially with Anime Expo having moved all of their cosplay gathering sites outdoors. Despite my best efforts to use lightweight fabrics, to try and make the heat and the weight tolerable, it was still… So… HOT. However, it did provide a learning experience; I still carried a con bag, and found it very easy to stow things underneath my enormous skirt whenever we got stopped for photos. At one point, I considered sewing pockets into my hoop skirt to be able to store things, but then I realized I’d have to reach UP my skirt for anything throughout the day… Not very ladylike, right?

Another issue I quickly found was that people stepped on me SO MUCH. As Hungary, I never had a problem being stepped on unless I was sitting or laying down somewhere, and even then, it was nothing like the hell Maria went through. I tried to keep from taking up an obscene amount of space, I really did. My hem barely skimmed the floor, and I shortened her cape from the long coronation style from the anime. I knew it would be a problem, and I tried my best to stop it. But as I quickly found out, it did absolutely no good. By the end of the con, I had pieces of lace that needed replacing, and a whole section at the side of my skirt where it had been torn from the waistband. All because it had been stepped on by me, my friends, and everyone else in attendance.

Also a new experience was being mistaken for other characters… A LOT. I can’t tell you how many times I got called Cinderella, or had people assume I was just “a princess”. Even among the Hetalians, a disappointing number of people thought I was a female version of France (although I did use the wig for fem France eventually… Off topic). Even so, it made all the sweeter when someone DID recognize us. I distinctly remember finding a full group of Austrian Succession cosplayers once, and I swear I didn’t ever want to let them go. My babiiiiieeeeesssss!!! Sorry, my fangirl is starting to show, isn’t it?

Even despite the general populace not knowing who I was, it felt amazing to be Maria Theresa. I felt regal, I felt powerful, and I only hope I did justice to the great woman she was. I got so obsessed with Austrian history, especially the Habsburgs, I had to learn everything about her. My friend and I even went to Vienna in 2017, and I’m certain by the end of our week and a half trip she was tired of hearing me babbling like the rabid fangirl I am. And no, I didn’t take my costume to Europe with me… I didn’t want anyone to think I was trying to make fun, and I certainly did NOT want to wrestle a hoop skirt into my luggage.

The Future

I haven’t worn Maria Theresa in quite some time. As I said in my first Cosplay Highlights, it’s been a while since I’ve had the opportunity to do anything Hetalia related. That’s not to say I’ve left the fandom or given up on cosplaying her, it’s just that it’s a fandom on the back burner for now.

For a while, I’ve actually toyed with the idea of completely remaking this one. My skills have improved greatly since 2013, and it’s always been in the back of my mind that I could do it better, more period accurate. I know so much more now, and I feel like it would be interesting to just physically see the improvement. Like how artists take a piece they did years ago and redraw them.

The main obstacle to doing that, however, is time and money. It was an expensive enough project the first time, and if I expect to use higher quality materials, it would be a lot of resources committed that I just don’t have right now. On top of that, I would want to be able to wear it out; I don’t have any events on the horizon for her, and I don’t want to commit to doing it if she’s just going to sit in my closet. Maybe someday, but for now that’s just wishful thinking.

What do you guys think? Would you be interested in seeing a new and improved version of this one?

The post Cosplay Highlights: Maria Theresa appeared first on Jennifer Lidikay.

At first, I thought about starting with Alucard because he’s the big flashy one that everyone’s interested in right now, but I figured it was better to start at the beginning. The first cosplay I made was for Anime Expo 2011, as Hungary from the anime Axis Powers Hetalia. I was still in high school, and my friends and I had all gotten obsessed with Hetalia after spending new year’s eve watching the first two seasons. We all giggled over this show about personified countries, and it wasn’t long before we started assigning characters to each other. Thus began my descent into fandom culture.

The Outfit

We all agreed to go to anime expo together once school let out, and we had the rest of the school year to prepare. I was in Fashion class in school, so I had ample time to put together my costume, working both at school and at home. During a field trip to the fashion district in downtown LA, I bought my fabric, and used a couple store bought patterns from Simplicity ( #2325 and #4282 for those who might be interested). From a technical standpoint, Hungary is not a difficult outfit, but 15-year-old me was just learning how to sew, so everything was a bit more difficult; appropriate fabric choice was one of the things I’d not yet gotten the grasp of. See, I had an obsession with shiny fabric. Just about everything I made in class was made from some sort of satin, including Hungary’s dress and apron. The dress held together through its years of use and abuse, but I did end up having to remake the apron over the summer; I had picked out a lightweight lining fabric that just couldn’t handle the stress and frayed like you wouldn’t believe. If I made it again today, would I go the same route? No, probably not. But as a teenager, I would have accepted nothing else.

Accessory wise, everything else in Hungary’s first run was mainly cobbled together from whatever I could find. I armed myself with a frying pan I brought from home (con security nowadays would never have let me through), and I had to double up on socks because my shoes were too big for me. I wore just about every skirt I owned underneath to act like a petticoat. My first wig was a cheap Halloween store Dorothy wig that I unbraided, and used my actual hair (dyed brown at the time) for her bangs. It wasn’t fancy, but it worked.

On the topic of wigs, I wore Hungary so often and for so long, I actually had 4 wigs for her. The first, as I said, was a cheap Halloween one I already had from an old costume. I had no idea how to care for wigs, and it soon turned into a frizzy mess atop my head. Her second was a generic wig I got off of Amazon, which I wore for a couple years, Compared to the first, it was a thing of beauty, long and silky curls falling to my waist. However, it also succumbed to the fate of getting super frizzy ends eventually, and not knowing how to fix it, I replaced it. It was with the third wig that I found the upside to name brand wigs: a gorgeous dark brown Hestia from Epic Cosplay, which became my default wig for a lot of looks (anyone see my Austria this year at ALA?). I still have that one, and have bought numerous Epic wigs since then. Unlike Hungary’s canon appearance, I usually went with a darker brown for her wigs, because I personally thought the dark brown would look better on me. Again, I would probably make a different decision now; in fact, my latest Hungary wig is a more caramel-colored Hera from Epic Cosplay, though I actually haven’t had the chance to wear it with her.

But see, the beauty of making a cosplay is the control you have over it. You get to decide whether to go with canon or break from it, and it all depends on what you want to create. I went with unconventional fabric and color choices. It still got the point across, people could distinguish my cosplay from the other Hungary cosplayers, and most importantly, I HAD FUN.

The Experience

What really sets Hungary apart from my other cosplays is my history with her. After our first con, the cosplay bug really bit me and my friends hard, and we looked for every excuse we could to cosplay. We went to the mall, the beach, school, everywhere. Any time we hung out, the question was raised: was this a cosplay event? More often than not, the answer was yes. I probably wore that costume more often than anything else in my closet in high school, and just about everything in my life became somehow related to Hetalia. I even turned in a piece of fan fiction once as homework… My English teacher was not amused.

To be honest, without Hungary, none of my other cosplays would have existed. I fell so in love with the cosplay community, and I have so many good friends thanks to Hetalia. Seriously, about 90% of my cosplay friends first knew me as Hungary, and my whole group of high school friends bonded over fandom. For years, she became like a new part of my identity. Even out of cosplay, my friends and I called each other by our country names for years (seriously, I think I only changed all the contacts in my phone to their real names like a year and a half ago?). It was all new and exciting, and although it might be strange to someone outside the community, I’m really grateful for everything starting to cosplay has brought me.

Before I got started cosplaying, I never would have thought about costume design as a career path; I got into fashion when I was about 11 and started watching Project Runway and America’s Next Top Model. I thought costume design was a little silly, actually, because no one expects to see someone walk down the street in a costume and go, “Oh yes, that’s a Jennifer Lidikay design!” Ha… Ha… If only middle school me could see the future, she’d have known that I am now the weirdo walking down the street in a costume. Not to mention the fact that movies and TV shows need costume designers too. Without starting to cosplay, I wouldn’t have my current dreams and ambitions.

The Future

I actually don’t have Hungary’s original outfit anymore; I have a couple other versions I bought and/or made later, but I outgrew the little green dress I made in high school. She sat in my closet for a while, begging me for adventures and attention I couldn’t give her anymore. I didn’t quite want to let her go completely, selling the costume at a yard sale or Goodwill or anything like that. It meant so much to me, I couldn’t just let it go to a stranger who had no idea of its history. Still, it was unfair to let her sit in my closet, unused.

Then the opportunity arose to give her a new life; a friend of mine posted to facebook that she was looking for an outfit for Chibitalia, For those who haven’t seen Hetalia, in the show, Italy as a child also wore a green dress, supposedly an old outfit of Hungary’s that was passed down. I messaged her about it, and we arranged for her to have my old costume. It was bittersweet to let it go, but I was so happy to know it was going to someone who would love it as much as I did. So although it’s not mine anymore, who knows; you may just see it floating around at a con or event somewhere!

As for me personally cosplaying Hungary, she’s kind of taken a back burner for the time being. After I retired my dress, I was working on making her uniform for the show for a while, but I hit a bit of a snag with getting that done, and I’m not sure when I’ll have a chance to complete it. So while there’s no plans in the immediate future for her, she’s still waiting in the wings, waiting for her chance to once again take center stage. I will probably never completely retire her, because there will always be a place in my heart for my first fandom.

The post Cosplay Highlights: APH Hungary appeared first on Jennifer Lidikay.

2018 has been a long, hard year. I look back on it, and things that happened this January seem so far away, they may as well be five years ago. When I talk about the last couple months especially, it sounds more like the plot of a soap opera than real life. And now, as 2018 comes to a close, it feels like a major chapter in my story is ending. I’ve written about my family and my experiences with my mother (see When Fiction Mirrors Reality and Responsibilities of Being a Parent), but for the most part I’ve been quiet about recent events.

In November, not even a month after the last time we saw her in court, my mother died of a brain aneurysm. Now, before anyone judges me for not playing the part of the bereaved daughter, hear me out. You didn’t live in my house, and you haven’t had my experiences. I spent the last five years coming to terms with losing a mother. I didn’t feel loss or sorrow at the news; I’d long since shed those tears. What I did feel, on the other hand, was all the anger and hurt come back again. I cried because I knew that after everything, she never “saw the light” so to speak. She never apologized, never looked back. Without diving too deep into personal family matters, even right up to the end there were games, rumours, and nonsense.

I was out walking one day, letting my mind wander, and for the longest time I couldn’t think of the last thing I said to my mother. I don’t remember what I shouted at her as I left the house with her screaming at me, fumbling to put on my shoes on the sidewalk. I don’t remember what I said in the argument that ensued when I got back. I said nothing to her in the courthouse, instead channeling everything into the  court room door when I rushed past her as we were leaving (sorry courtroom employees, I do hope I didn’t mess anything up).

But then it hit me: the morning she left us, she took a lot of things. One piece in particular being a snowy landscape painting that hung in our living room. I was in middle school when I made it, with the help of my grandma. Grandma would start on a tree, or paint part of a cloud, and I’d finish the rest. I never really had the time to dedicate to practice, so I never got super into painting, but the couple pieces I’ve done mean a lot to me. But I digress. After I noticed the painting missing, my dad sent her a message asking about its whereabouts. When she replied, I’m not sure if she sent me a copy on purpose or by accident, but my phone buzzed and I saw “I took the Jenny painting because you got the artist”.

It was a long few minutes before I could say anything. I went to my dad, asking what to do, but he had no more answers than I did; it was all new territory for all of us. So after thinking about it, I picked up my phone and typed “It belongs to me, and I am not an object to be bargained for.” And that text is the last thing I ever said to her. I’m okay with that. I lived for 19 years with someone who didn’t see me as my own being, but merely a pawn or a weapon. A bargaining chip. I’m okay with my last words to her standing up for myself, asserting myself as a human being worthy of respect. I’ve got loads of other things I would have liked to say, given the chance, but in the grand scheme of things, none of that matters anymore. I’m fine with what I said. And yes, we eventually got the painting back; it’s since been returned to its home on our living room wall.

I don’t mean for this to be a sad post. I’m not here to throw a pity party and say “look at me and my terrible story”. No, I’m here because I’m hopeful. I can look back at where I’ve been, and I know that there are so many better things to come. This new year is so full of promise and new possibilities, and it’s already off to a great start. This year brings with it a sense of freedom, and is truly a new beginning for me. I’ve learned and grown so much in the past year, and now it’s time to close this chapter. I”m turning the page, grabbing a new pen, and now I get to write the rest of my story. Maybe with a few less plot twists this year, yes?

I think I want to watch the sun rise on New Year’s day. Celebrating at midnight is all well and good, but I think I really want to see this year open with the dawn. Because that’s what this new year feels like: it’s the dawn breaking after a long, dark night for me. I’m optimistic, and I’m ready to walk into this year with everyone I know and love by my side. And for everyone else who’s had a long, hard 2018, we can do this together. Even if an era of our lives is coming to a close, I know something better is coming. It’s going to be beautiful.

The post Old Goodbyes and New Beginnings appeared first on Jennifer Lidikay.