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Riding on the excitement from Anime Expo this weekend, I kind of wanted to talk a little bit about the fandom experience. I’ve touched on the subject a little bit before in a general sense (see: Why I Cosplay), but I think it’s important to share the feeling of having what I call a “fandom family”.

If you’re not in the cosplay scene, and/or are otherwise unfamiliar with the term, a fandom is a group of people (aka nerds) who are all interested in the same thing. Game of Thrones fans, Star Trek fans, etc. are all fandoms. These can be huge fanbases like the aforementioned, or all the way down to the most obscure, niche thing you just happened to find on the internet and show your friend. If you’re part of a group that likes a thing, congratulations: you’ve joined a fandom.

I’m in a lot of different fandoms, and each of them have their own unique vibe from the people in it. It was a bit of a culture shock going to a comic book convention after having exclusively attended anime cons for a couple years; the energy in the hall was completely different. Some fandoms are loud and boisterous, others more laid back. Every fandom basically has its own dynamic and culture, and not all are created equal.

Fandom families are what I call it when you join a fandom and it just… Clicks. You really start to feel like not just a group of people that like a thing, but people who have bonded and developed friendships. Your fandom family are the people you miss after the con ends, the ones who develop nicknames and inside jokes, who burn cupcakes in your oven and who your cat probably loves more than she loves you.

My first fandom family was the Hetalia fandom. I’ve known some of my Hetalia friends for almost 10 years now; they only knew me as Hungary when we first met, but a lot of us have gotten to be super close personal friends. The other day, I saw a post I made on Facebook just after I met my cosplay husband eight years ago (love you honey <3 ). I had no idea back in 2011 that all the people I’d met then would end up becoming so incredibly important to me. In cosplay or out, these are people who have become a regular fixture in my life. Even when I started branching out and cosplaying other fandoms, I always found myself migrating back to the Hetalians’ domain at the end of the day; years later, going to a Hetalia gathering still feels like coming home.

As I said, not all fandoms are created equal. I’ve made friends and had good times with all the fandoms that I’ve been in, but most are not what I would consider a fandom family for me. That’s not to say I disliked any of them, on the contrary; I love each and every one of my fandoms, and have represented all of them with pride. It’s just that I didn’t feel whatever it was that kept drawing me home to Hetalia, and for the longest time I assumed it was the nostalgia for my first fandom. There was just something special that made it stand out, and I couldn’t even figure out what it was.

As I sat at another fandom’s gathering recently, I took a second to look around. There were perhaps a couple faces I recognized from here and there, but the only person I really knew was the friend I had come with. When I joined that particular fandom, I remember more of my Hetalia friends had been into it, but they had long since migrated to other things. I came to realize that while I liked the fandom and the media it was based on, it lacked the connection I had felt with my Hetalia friends. I had fun, but it wasn’t a fandom family.

Now, who wants to take a wild guess as to what my newest fandom family is? Drum roll, please……………….

If you guessed Castlevania, you are 100% correct. Gold stars all around ! I was honestly a bit intimidated stepping into the Castlevania fandom. Everywhere else I’d been, I had either my main circle with me or overlap from the Hetalians. I was the first of my friends to stumble across this franchise, and didn’t know what to expect from the fanbase. As I fell in love with Alucard and began work on his cosplay, I prayed that the fandom would be kind; I didn’t want to be called a “fake fan” for not having played the games (gatekeeping is bullshit by the way, let people enjoy things), and I was afraid of the fandom being super elitist or something.

Boy, was I worried for nothing. I’ve only been cosplaying Alucard for a year now, and already I can feel the unmistakable pull of another fandom family. These are my people, no doubt about it. From the minute I stepped out in Alucard’s costume, I’ve received nothing but love from all the new friends I’ve made here. Castlevania came to me during a really hard time (not going into the story again, as you’ve all probably heard it by now), and I was honestly stunned when I had people who had only just met me say “hey, I’m here if you need someone.” I’m fortunate to have a huge circle of support from family and friends around me, and it makes me so happy to see that circle ever growing.

And that’s what fandom family means to me; we’re not just a collection of geeks who like the same nerdy thing. A fandom family are the ones who stand apart from the crowd trying to force their way through the artist alley. They’re the ones who cry with you when the escalator eats your costume, the people almost as excited about hosting your first gathering as you are, and whose arms you run into yelling “MOMMYYYYY!!” the minute you see them.

If you’ve never had a fandom family, you are missing out. It’s really hard to describe accurately the love I have for these people. It’s a bond that goes deeper than simply “hey, we like x thing!” It’s knowing that even if you’re dressed like dorks and crammed like sardines into a convention hall, these people care. They’re with you through the highs and lows, and they make your life and your fandom experience richer. It may be a different fandom for everybody, but once you find it, you’ll know. And if you’ve found a fandom family, hang on to them; I know I will.

Also just a note: this isn’t a comprehensive list of everyone in my fandom family! For some reason I don’t have pictures of everyone.

The post On Fandom Families appeared first on Jennifer Lidikay.

The post Anime Los Angeles appeared first on Jennifer Lidikay.

First off, when this little vampire anime popped up on my Netflix one day last year, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I literally just had nothing better watch, and thought “what the heck is this?”. Then I fell for Alucard, because hey, pretty vampire boy! I thought nothing of it when I decided to start working on a cosplay for him.

Then out of the blue, sitting at my sewing desk, a realization hit me that made this series, and this character, far more personal than I ever thought. Alucard is the half-vampire son of Dracula, and has to fight against his father for the sake of mankind and all that jazz. Take away the fantasy aspect of it, and you have an adult survivor of an abusive parent. For me, the adult daughter of an alcoholic mother, the story took on a whole new meaning.

I clung to Alucard like a lifeline; I’m fairly certain many of my friends and family now question my grip on reality, but I swear I don’t literally believe I’m Alucard. But in the middle of my personal crisis, here’s a character with the same story as me, who is unwavering, unbreakable, and unafraid. And with an awesome cape to top it off (at least in his game design).

Now if you missed the spoiler alert at the top, this is your last warning!

Season two of the anime came out this past Friday, and I couldn’t have been more excited- I had the past year to fangirl over my newfound obsession, and I was dying to see my beautiful boy Alucard again. But oh boy, I didn’t expect it to hit home quite that hard.

In one of the first scenes, Alucard has a short monologue about his identity as an opposite to Dracula. That struck a chord with me, because it was honestly too relatable. When people talk about cutting out toxic friends or relationships, they always say you should get rid of everything from your time with them… That’s not possible with a toxic parent. My mother left when I was 19; I can’t just cut out everything from the first 19 years of my life. I have had a long battle reminding myself that my childhood belongs to me, not to her. Like Alucard, I’ve struggled with the idea that I am not defined by my mother, and that I have an identity outside of my relation to her.

Also like Alucard, I didn’t have an unhappy childhood. I have good memories with my mother, just enough to make things confusing. Like everyone else, I remember making mothers day gifts, telling her how much I loved her. And I thought, like any other mother, she loved her children. Her abuse wasn’t obvious when I was young; I don’t have physical scars. She never beat me, and I didn’t go to school with horrific injuries (except one incident of too-realistic makeup scaring my history teacher, but that’s another story). It was more subtle than that, and I just accepted it as the way things were. I didn’t think of myself as an abused child, because I didn’t know anything else.

It got worse as I got older; her drinking problem was acknowledged about the time I graduated high school, and it only got progressively worse. Hardly a day went by when she wasn’t angry at someone or something; she lied, she yelled, and she manipulated everyone she encountered. No matter who tried to help her or how, anyone who wasn’t enabling her became an obstacle for her to circumvent, including me and my family. I always had a hard time standing up for myself, especially with her; it caused less trouble for me to just keep my head down and try not to set her off. After a lifetime of practice, I’d gotten pretty good at that.

It all came to a head the night before Halloween in 2013. She picked a fight with me so bad that I left the house, and I was too scared to go back until I saw my dad’s truck in the driveway. I told him what happened, and the incident escalated into a family-wide dispute in which my dad told her she had to choose the alcohol or us. She left the next morning. I don’t think any of us knew how to react; I put on my Halloween costume and went to work. That period was the calm before the storm. For the first time in my life, there were no arguments, no slamming doors, and no fear of going home. We all thought it was over, but that was only the beginning of the war.

We spent the last few years in divorce proceedings (and yes, I say we because we’re a family, and all in this together) that have been a strain beyond what any of us could have imagined, and sometimes beyond what we thought we could endure. Every time we went to the court house felt like walking onto a battlefield. It felt exactly like Trevor asking Alucard if he was ready to face Dracula. “No, but let’s put an end to this anyway.”

EVERYTHING IN THE FIGHT WITH DRACULA HURT ME. A part of me wishes I could have spoken to my mother like Alucard faced Dracula. I couldn’t have done it when she first left, but I’m a different person now. I’ve grown, I’ve gotten stronger, and like Alucard, I’m not alone. I have my family and friends around me, and I’m more grateful for them than words could ever express. Just like Trevor and Sypha, I know they all have my back.

And then came THAT scene. If you’ve seen season two, you know what I’m talking about. Dracula throws Alucard through a wall, steps through, and stops just as he looks ready to it him again. “It’s your room,” he says, and all of a sudden Alucard is in the context of being his son again. He’s not an obstacle or an enemy. “My boy… I’m killing my boy, Lisa… I’m killing our boy.” I’m sure you all know my opinions on people who hurt their children (see my previous article, Responsibilities of Being a Parent) and you should know how much that line broke me down. In that scene, Dracula showed more humanity than my mother has. I would give anything to see her realize the damage and the hurt she’s inflicting on people she used to claim she loved.

In going through my house to clear out her things, I spent probably two days sifting through old family photos. I found some of my baby photos, from what I assume was my first birthday. She looked just like any other mom holding her baby. And it hurts so much to think that somewhere along the way, she stopped seeing us as her family. I stopped being her baby. I don’t want her back in my life, but I just wish for even a second, she could stop and see what she’s done.

Even Alucard is not unbreakable, which to be honest, I really appreciate. The final episode of the season shows the aftermath of Dracula’s defeat, especially in regards to Alucard. His walking through the empty castle reminded me of being home alone after my mother was gone. I’ve found that I actually like being alone a lot of the time, but it’s not always a good thing. Like Alucard, I had to pick up the broken pieces of everything, and there were reminders of both the good and the bad times everywhere. Even without any dialogue, the last scenes spoke louder than the entire rest of the season in my opinion. Alucard takes a chair, sits down, and cries. And not just a single tear for dramatic effect; he weeps, overwhelmed by the weight of everything that’s happened. And I felt that scene in the very core of my being. Through Alucard, I saw every time I have had to excuse myself to avoid melting down in front of someone else. He looked exactly how I felt every time I’ve cried so hard I didn’t know if I could stop. And in a way, it makes me feel okay. It’s okay to break down, and it’s not a sign of weakness. Alucard is shown to be a strong, capable character, and even he breaks down and cries because of what he’s been through.

And even to someone who doesn’t have my issues, I think that last scene is important. It brings a sense of realism to Alucard’s character, and I think it’s really important to have an emotionally vulnerable moment like that for him. He’s never once seen as weak or incapable; he’s just… human. And as far as I know, that’s something that anyone can relate to. It hurts, and in my case it felt like a punch to the stomach, but I am honestly glad to see something like that portrayed. What happens after the battle is just as important as the battle itself. Recovering from trauma takes time, speaking from experience, and I am just very grateful to see that portrayed in Castlevania.

Also just saying, his friends TOTALLY need to go back for him. The boy needs a hug. And heck, hug me too.

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